A few days ago, I was sitting in my living room watching Good Morning Britain and there was quite an interesting interview going on. Apparently, a mom was talking about how she does not compliment child, particularly her seven-year-old daughter on her looks. Of course, this caused quite a stir for the hosts and the audience and even I was muttering to myself what a cold lady.
Now, this lady whom I will call Julie (since I don’t remember her name) says she has two boys and one girl, and she just refrain from telling her daughter that she is beautiful. She said that she noticed with her two older boys, no one commented on their looks, rather they would be praised for their efforts and abilities, how strong they were, how fast they could run, etc. Whereas people always, ever since her daughter was born commented on how daughter’s physical appearance, which according to her was just a genetic lottery that has nothing to do with who her daughter is as a person and that’s when I said “ah ha” . This was the moment she has me think about my own childhood.
Now I consider myself, truly to be an average Jane, I’m not one to command a double take when I enter a room, but funny enough I have always known this and it has never ever bothered me. When I was growing up, my parents never complimented me on my looks. Instead I remember them bursting out laughing when I would give these long explanations of a situation or tell a story and I remember vividly them saying that I talked so much I was going to be a commentator or a lawyer.
Needless to say they were right, I did become a lawyer. But that aside they showed that they enjoyed my personality and my little quirks. My siblings too enjoyed my long story and they thought I was funny and parallel to that they would occasionally make fun of my wide ungirly-like big feet, which truly didn’t bother me.
As an adult, now I like to dress up, wear makeup and look good but I have no compulsion to be the most beautiful girl in the room, nor am I bothered by the presence of a beautiful woman. The family that I grew up in didn’t put a value on physical appearance and so though I can appreciate physical beauty I am not hung up about it.
This led me to the question, is there a right way to compliment kids? I mean compliment is always positive, is there any harm in complimenting your children?
These questions had me scoring through child psychologist books and blogs seeing what the experts have to say on the subject matter and I made some notes on a few specific ways of complimenting kids the right way.
How to Compliment your Kids the Right Way
These are a few ways to compliment your child the right way.
Praise sincerely and honestly
As a mother, I can tell you that I have pulled this stunt sometimes, where I just throw out an insincere compliment just to tick another box on the “good mom” checklist. However, you can see that kids can detect this and usually it means nothing to them. What the experts say is that when you compliment your child ensure that it is sincere. Stop it with the quick, “yes honey that looks great”, when they show you an artwork. What I do is a pause from what I am doing and look at what my child is showing me and find something positive to say, like “wow you drew this by yourself”, I must take a photo and send it to grandma, this is really good”. That I believe is a more sincere compliment that shows that you are paying attention.
Be Specific and Descriptive
This second advise sorts of run into the first, you want to show your child that you are paying attention. You don’t just want to throw out compliments like “You are so smart” . You want to be specific. Instead find something that your child has done or said that makes him smart, then say , wow you are so smart for figuring that out”.
Praise Your Child’s efforts
Be Mindful to Praise your child’s efforts and necessarily say their abilities I have seen it too often where parents praise their children’s raw talent. I personally find this to be a little dangerous. Praising a child’s raw talent or letting them know or feel like they can get by on raw talent, you run the risk of molding a lazy adult. I know so many people who are extremely talented but incredibly lazy and their talent alone was not sufficient, so it is important to praise your child’s efforts and supplement them with letting her know that she is talented.
Catch them being Good
Ever so often we spend a lot of our time as parents telling our children what to do, and teaching them how to do something right or pointing out that they have done something wrong. Too often we missed out on catching our children being good so we can compliment them in the moment. This will encourage them to do so more often.
Compliment Your child Often
There is no such thing as over complimenting your child, as long as it is sincere and earned. Compliment your child as often as you see fit.
No matter how old we get, we all have a natural need for our parents’ approval and children more so than adults. Compliments helps to build your child’s confidence, self-esteem and self-worth. It is a tough and cold world out there so arm your child with the shield of confidence by simply paying more attention and complimenting them.
